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“I love my wife and for a lot of the time we had a good relationship but this thing came between us,” Hamish says, “it did slowly poison our relationship.” True to his word, Hamish never did discuss it again with his wife - something he has lived to regret. Quietly reflecting on this, he says: “It’s really hard to tell someone you love, ‘By the way, my mother abused me and I had sex with my mother’.” After the disclosure he promptly told her: “I never want to talk about it ever again, ever.”
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Hamish married in the early 90s and fathered two sons of whom he’s extremely proud.Ībout 10 years ago a television news story prompted him to briefly mention the childhood sexual abuse to his wife. While making it clear he didn’t wish for her death, Hamish is blunt: “She did me a favour … I’ve always felt that it enabled me, in some respects, to get on with my life.” When he was just 15, Hamish’s mother died. “ spent most of my life trying to repress these thoughts and memories,” he says, “I haven’t talked to anyone for 30 years about it.” Like so many men in his position, the distress lies not in the words but in the silence. When I ask what went through his head during that period in his childhood, Hamish struggles to form an answer. “You’re physically and mentally trapped in this relationship and you can’t get out of it,” he says. The truth is that Hamish had no one to disclose the abuse to - and even if he did, was terrified of splitting up his family. “People wouldn’t understand, you can’t ever tell anybody,” she told Hamish. Meanwhile his mother warned him to stay quiet about their sexual relationship. She’d say: ‘You’re the man of the house’,” he recalls. “She saw me as like some sort of de facto relationship, I’ve got no doubt about that. “I got hurt,” Hamish continues, pointing to a decades-old scar on his the top of his head.Įspecially when his mother was sick, Hamish cooked, cleaned and went to the shops to get food for the family.
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“It was a good household to be in when my mother was in a good mood and it was a horrible household to be in when she wasn’t,” he says, “she would threaten to kill us and she’d lock all the windows and turn on the gas.” In retrospect Hamish thinks his mother was also mentally unwell. His single mother suffered frequent physical illnesses, such as pneumonia and pleurisy. “She preyed on the fact I was coming into puberty and made me feel important and special,” he tells me.įrom this distance Hamish now understands he was just a child when the abuse occurred he was unable to consent to sex with an adult in a position of power.Īt the time though, it was a different story: “I thought I was enjoying it and I thought I was grown up.”ĭespite growing up in a wealthy suburb and going to a private school, home life was difficult. One day she just initiated it, she just started touching me and it just went from there. “She had this big bedroom and if we were ever sick or anything like that we’d stay in her bed. Hamish,* now in his 50s, was 12 years old the first time he recalls having sex with his mother. Mothers might also withdraw of basic human needs, such as food and shelter.
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While some boys were mentally coerced into “a full sexual relationship” with their mother, Lucetta explains that others were on the receiving end of “incredible violence” if they tried to resist. University of Canberra researcher Lucetta Thomas has interviewed dozens of men who have been sexually abused by their mothers. I wanted these men to know they aren’t alone and it’s not their fault. I didn’t want this to happen to anyone else. “When Marcus died, I knew I had to finish the research.
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“He was not only sexually abused by his mother from a very young age but when he became older and was able to physically prevent her from abusing him, she engaged another friend to be her strong arm so she could continue the acts of sexual violence against him,” Lucetta explains. Since she met him, Lucetta had witnessed Marcus struggling to come to terms with what happened to him in childhood. The PhD she’s currently writing is about sons who were sexually abused by their biological mothers - just as Marcus had been. Lucetta knew their real meaning this was an urgent final plea. To an outsider, these could be understood as simple words of encouragement. The sentence that stayed with her was this one: “The only course of action is for you to do something positive, like finish the PhD.” Marcus died by suicide two years ago and when he did, he left University of Canberra researcher Lucetta Thomas a message. “I AM very sorry I brought you so much pain,” Marcus* wrote in his final letter, “Thank you for caring for me. TRIGGER WARNING: This story discusses experiences of childhood sexual abuse, incest and suicide.